Did you know that while divorce rates in the U.S. have declined over recent decades, a significant percentage of people aged 50 and older are increasingly experiencing divorce?
Between 1990 and 2010, the divorce rate for this age group doubled. Now, one in four individuals who get divorced is over 50 (Brown and Lin, 2012).
I recently watched an October 2025 Oprah Winfrey podcast titled “The Gray Divorce Trend.” I was shocked by the reported increase in divorce rates for people in their silver years of life.
For example, since 1990, the divorce rate for those over 50 has doubled, and for those over 65, it has tripled. In my own experience, this was unheard of; even though many marriages around me weren’t exemplary, most stayed together.
Whether for better or worse, staying was a choice; however, divorce creates ambiguity in family boundaries. It disrupts family systems, causing us to question who is “in” or “out,” and creating identity ambiguities for both children and adults, which in turn affect trust and relationships.
In 2019, I nearly became one of these statistics. My youthful view of family and marriage was jaded, but I still hoped for a healthy family with lasting love and generational wealth. After 32 years of marriage and at 58 years of age, my spouse and I separated—a gradual emotional occurrence despite feeling sudden. We endured many challenges, pursued counseling, but couldn’t resolve the essentials of a healthy, positive, communicative, trusting, and partnership-building lifelong relationship.We live separately today.
Though we accomplished much together, we lost more emotionally and spiritually. It still seems surreal that we didn’t make it, even though we desired similar things. Our approaches, values, and non-negotiables differed, perhaps too much.
It has been said that time heals all wounds. Yet, some scars — especially those on our souls — don’t heal and are invisible.
I had to stop dwelling on what was lost and intentionally reconstruct my life, accepting this unexpected traumatic turn of events. Our two children were not unscathed—some damage control and addressing the problematic consequences of our shared parental choices were necessary.
Separation or divorce impacts every aspect of a child’s life, regardless of age. As a child of parents who never married and often struggled with conflict, the experience profoundly shaped me. If I were a Ph.D. student, I would research the pursuit oflasting love and the intrinsic struggles of early childhood trauma.
I love Dorothy Law Nolte’s poem, “Children Learn What They Live,” which reminds us that our early experiences shape how we form and sustain relationships.
Children Learn What They Live:
If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns to be confident.
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like themselves.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.
Author Dorothy Law Notle
As adults, understanding ourselves—our needs, desires, values, and communication styles—is essential before entering relationships.
The self encompasses identity, beliefs, and values, which are influenced by social interactions, self-awareness, and life experiences.
Often, we seek others to complete or validate us without first doing the necessary work of self-understanding and healing. This can lead to unbalanced relationships. If we took the time to shed old regrets, guilt, or fear, we could form healthier connections.
Although not all reasons behind separation or divorce are clear, research, stories, and resources can offer valuable insights. My biggest lesson: self-care must include pre-relationship work. Neuroscience has shown that we can retrain our minds and growemotionally, cognitively, and spiritually.
Many marital challenges can be avoided through deep self-reflection and personal growth. When long-term relationships dissolve, the consequences are profound—akin to experiencing a kind of death and the need to start anew. Grieving, coping, triaging, and eventual recovery are all part of moving forward—for both partners and children.
I still believe in, till death do us part (marriage), and that moving forward can be accomplished with grace, grind, and grit.
Karmin Reeves Jenkins CLC, LISW-S, Army Veteran, CEO, Founder
INR’ Healing For Abundant Living, Inc – Focusing on three pillars of Transformation: Inner Healing, New Beginnings, Reclaiming You. www.ih4al.com.
References
- Brown, S. L., & Lin, I-F. (2012). The gray divorce revolution: Rising divorce among middle-aged and older adults, 1990–2010. Journal of Gerontology Series B: Psychological and Social Sciences, 76(6), 731–741.
- Divorce & Beyond: The Advice You Need, From The Voice You Can Trust (Susan Guthrie, Family Law Attorney).
- Maybe You Should Talk To Someone (Lori Gottlieb).